Counselling that meets you as a person, not a problem

Integrative counselling that meets you as a person, not a diagnosis. A flexible, relational approach to therapy in a space where you feel accepted, listened to and able to be yourself.

In practice, meeting you as a person not a problem or diagnosis, means you are not seen as a static collection of signs and symptoms. Change happens all the time and a diagnosis around mental well-being is only as good as the information given on the day. No two people respond to situations in the exact same way, so, in my opinion, a formulaic therapy falls short of supporting individuals. What matters is your experiences, circumstances, relationships, current ways of coping (whether these work or not) and the meaning you make of these.

What counselling is (and isn’t)

The common misconception is that counselling is about fixing people; you arrive with a problem, a professional applies the right technique, and you feel better. This sounds wonderfully simple, unfortunately, the reality is that’s not how meaningful change tends to happen because you are not a problem to be solved, you are a person to be understood.

Counselling isn’t about analysing you from a distance, putting you through a set programme or mending what is broken, at its heart, it’s a relationship, a guided conversation held in a consistent, human space where you can start to make sense of what’s going on for you without personal judgement, pressure, or expectation.

It isn’t about being ‘fixed’, it's about being met and sometimes, that alone is what allows things to begin shifting.

Within the counselling session, you will have an opportunity to make sense of your experiences in a way that helps you to see the effect they have on your present. You will begin to identify patterns, which will help to nip unhelpful behaviours, such as rumination or risk taking, in the bud. With this greater awareness, you will start to see why you respond to situations the way you do and have space to improve your reactions, moving to pro-action and no longer being at the mercy of unknown influences. By exploring things you may not have had the chance to look in depth at, you will develop a different relationship with difficult and uncomfortable feelings, seeing them as data about your experience rather than something to suppress or run from. Ultimately, you will be able to work out what you want and the small, achievable steps to get there, rather than always following what others expect of you. You will develop confidence to recognise when something needs to change and when, perhaps, it doesn’t.

It is important to remember, for the most part, our feelings about difficult and uncomfortable situations and experiences are entirely understandable and reasonable, our feelings are information for us about how we are responding to what is going on around us. What we do with that data or information is the significant part.

Why the relationship matters more than the method

There are many approaches to counselling and therapy, such as CBT, person-centred, psychodynamic, integrative approaches and more; each giving many techniques that support your journey to positive lasting change. However, when faced with counselling jargon, these can feel meaningless and don’t give an insight into which would be most useful for you. Although each has an intrinsic value when applied in a useful way, what research and lived experience repeatedly show is the quality of the therapeutic relationship is often more important than the model being used.

To be able to move towards positive lasting change, you need to build a relationship in which you feel safe to explore the deep, often painful, parts of your life, the parts you may not have expressed out loud even to yourself, let alone another person. You need to feel heard, that what you are saying is being understood in the context of you and not assumptions from the person listening. When you are speaking, you should feel comfortable to express yourself as you, not feel you have to code switch (mask) to make the person listening comfortable. A counselling session should not feel like just another environment that you have to perform for another person, you don’t have to be coherent, follow a strict timeline, or come with all the answers.

The first few sessions can feel a little chaotic as you find yourself jumping from topic to topic, remembering an important piece of information that you want to share now. You may find you are tearful in these sessions. You may feel anger in a way you haven’t before. You may assume yours is the worst story I have ever heard, and it may be. You may feel you are too much for me, are wasting my time or I am bored. I can assure you that, of all these, I am confident in my limits of ability and will work with you, at your pace, on the topics you want to cover, in whatever order they come. Even with all your muchness, I will be able to walk this journey with you.

This is where positive lasting change begins, with the freedom to express yourself.

My approach: integrative, relational, flexible

I am an integrative counsellor, which simply means I don’t believe one model fits every person and, instead, I work with you as an individual. Our sessions will flow in the way that suits you best, some sessions might we might talk about practical tools to live a comfortable life or building a gentle structure to your day; some might be slower, more reflective, and more exploratory; others might simply be about patterns and thoughts, or we might find ourselves sitting with what’s there, without rushing to change it. Our work will adapt with your needs not the other way around.

Integrative counselling isn’t just a random selection of techniques from different approaches. As with all things, different people need different forms of support, and people need different support at different points in their journey. As discussed above, some days you may want practical activities to explore a particular feeling, another you may simply wish to talk or seek to understand; or you may find just being with another person while you experience something difficult is all you need that day. The most important thing is the method follows the person rather than the person fitting the method.

You don’t have to know what counselling should look like

There is no correct way to be a client and it can be unsettling to have no idea what you are supposed to do in a counselling session.

• Do I have to talk about my childhood?

No, you set the agenda in the sessions and can talk (or not talk) about any topic you wish.

• Do I need to know what is wrong?

No, part of the purpose of counselling is to explore your life and experiences, this will reveal what it reveals.

• Do I have to talk about difficult things straightaway?

As I’ve said above, we follow your agenda, at your pace. You will know when you are ready to share the most difficult topics. Until you are ready, counselling will still be purposeful and meaningful.

• What if I cry?

Crying is a natural human reaction to overwhelm, anger, sadness, my counselling room is exactly the place to find this release.

• What if I don’t know what to say?

The first few sessions can feel strange as you get to know me, I am happy to ask you questions while we get to know each other, if that makes you feel more comfortable. When you are comfortable with me and in our sessions, I will follow where your thoughts take us.

• What if I disagree with you?

You are more than welcome to disagree with me. I don’t claim to know everything; I acknowledge you are the expert in you and welcome you correcting my understanding.

What counselling might feel like with me

You may expect counselling to feel formal or distant and this is a common concern. Imaging sitting with a stranger and exploring experiences and situations that have caused you pain and still have an impact on your life, may feel strange and alien.

However, the experience is something more human than that. Rather than focusing on how uncomfortable it may feel to speak about your past, think about how it will feel to be listened to without interruption; or how freeing it will be to just speak without having to justify your feelings about the topic. Having a space to think out loud without fear of consequences that may be expected when speaking with friends or family, enables you to find a sense of slowing down internally.

You will be able to talk without having to take someone else’s feelings into account or having to reassure them, minimise what has happened to you or make your story easier to hear. You will not have to arrive with everything neatly organised or know what you’re going to say.

While there is often a relief at not being judged or ‘measured’ as you speak, this doesn’t mean the sessions will always be easy, and it is often relieving in a way people don’t expect.

What will change look like?

One of the questions I will ask in our initial sessions is ‘how will we know when we are done?’ I often think of counselling and counsellors as modified Nanny McPhees, when you need me and want me, I am here, when you want me and don’t need me, it is time to live life. So, how will we know we are done? It is unlikely that you will just wake up one morning and ‘feel better’. It is more likely you will notice you understand yourself better, can identify patterns of behaviour before they become problematic, be able to pause before you react, which gives you more choice on how you are going to react. You may find you have a better understanding of why some things affect you, you may be more able to express yourself, accept change as it happens, accept there are somethings you can’t change, decide when something needs to change. Ultimately, my main goal is to help you feel less alone with what you experience and have a toolbox of activities to manage, explore, soothe and dispel difficult and uncomfortable feelings.

Who this might be for

Integrative counselling may feel right for you if:

• you feel overwhelmed, anxious, or emotionally stuck

• you’re tired of holding everything together on your own

• you’ve tried coping alone for a long time

• you’re not sure what you feel, only that something isn’t right

• you want space to understand yourself rather than be labelled

Counselling is for everyone, you don’t have to have a diagnosis, be in crisis, have a clearly defined problem or only come when you are struggling ‘enough’. Asking for help can be daunting at whatever point you are at with you emotional distress, there is no right point, just the right point for you.

If you’re unsure

Coming for an initial session doesn’t mean you are stuck with me for the foreseeable future. If there is any reason you don’t feel we gel, you can continue to look for the counsellor that suits you. The important thing is to make that first contact, even if itself is an uncomfortable thing to do.

It is important to remember you don’t need to know whether counselling will work, whether you’ll like it or whether you will have the ‘right’ reason, you don’t have to come to a session with absolute clarity or know exactly what kind of help you need. You only need a sense that something in you is asking for space, that is enough to begin.

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